Friday, May 29, 2020

COVID Student Journal: I have been trying to keep my cool and not snap on them but there is only so much I can take.

(Student submission Spring 2020)

                                                       March 16th, 2020

            It is officially spring break and we are heading back to Tampa to visit family and friends as we speak. I cannot say that I am excited to be heading back home, I honestly wanted to say in Tallahassee for spring break and work. Every time I go home to visit, I end up regretting it because my mom and I end up fighting. M*** (my boyfriend) promised that it would not be like that this time because we were not staying with my biological mom but with a woman who is like my second mom. Her name is Tootie and she honestly brings out a better side to me and seems to understand me better than my real mom. Once we arrived in Tampa it was around 2am and everyone was asleep. We unpacked the car and went to sleep.

March 17th, 2020

            Today we are supposed to be making rounds and visiting as many people as possible. First, we started off by visiting M*** side of the family.  We ended up at his Grandma Rose house talking and laughing for a few hours before we got stuck at his dad’s house for the rest of the day. His dad and stepmom had us running all over town looking for food and stuff because they wanted to throw us a picnic. Which is ok, the problem was that his dad is an alcoholic and has PTSD. So, the whole time all he was doing was talking about the war and killing people and being rude and nasty to his wife, which triggered my anxiety. By the end of the night I am beyond mad and I don’t really want to deal with anything. I come home and my second mom is nowhere in sight and the kids are acting a mess. After about the fourth time of telling them to sit down I get frustrated and began to curse but then I catch myself and just lock myself in the bathroom because they obviously are not going to listen. While I’m in the bathroom I decide to wash my hair so that’s what I’m doing when my mom comes home and kicks me out the bathroom, but then she gets mad because I’m not moving fast enough and she catches an attitude and starts talking crazy to me so I just go outside and sit in my car to breathe. When I’m sitting outside in my car, she texts me and says that we need to talk about my attitude and something that I did tonight so I just text her back saying ok.

March 18th, 2020

            The next morning, I wake up to 16 messages from her being all nasty and saying how she is disappointed in me and how she got into it with her best friend over me and how I treated her kids last night. So, I am immediately confused, and I try to call her to figure out what I did wrong because she has never talked to me like this before but all she does is send me to voicemail. She text me saying that we will talk when she gets home but by than my feelings are already hurt and I honestly don’t want to stay at her house anymore so I show M*** what she said to see if he feels like her being this way is any different from how she normally is, when he’s says that she’s acting out of character I call my grandmother and ask her if we can come stay with her. Now my grandmother is very old fashion so at first she says no because she doesn’t want me and M*** sleeping under her roof together but then I tell her that me and M*** can sleep in my car and the dogs can sleep in the house. She eventually agrees. So, M*** and I pack up all our stuff and go to my grandmother’s house without saying anything to my second mom. After about an hour of settling in at my grandmother’s house M*** gets a call from his dad asking us if we can come over and hangs out with him and his wife. 

I tell M*** that we can do that so I can get my mind off of everything that has been going on. By the time we get to his dads house they ask if we can go to the grocery store and I say yeah that ok because we need snacks and stuff for me to cook. While we were at the grocery store my second mom tries to call me, but I sent her to voicemail. Then she calls M*** and of course he answers, she tells him to put me on the phone so he hands me the phone and the first thing she says is she is upset because I packed my stuff and didn’t say anything to her. I let her know that I did not appreciate the way she was talking to me and I left because I needed space, so I decided to stay with my grandmother for the remainder of my stay down here. I also let her know that she never really tried to talk to me about what made her so upset instead she was just being mean and nasty about it. She says that her best friend felt some type of way about me yelling at the kids and that one of the kids said that I was going to beat them. I told her that I was yelling at the kids because they were loud and wouldn’t listen to me, but as far as telling one of the kids that I was going to beat them is not something that I actually did. Her response is that the situation is handled now but I have to learn how to talk to kids and that I should not have left her house without saying anything. Wanting to get off the phone I just agree and hang up.

March 19th,2020

            So last night M*** and I slept in the car. I am so glad I decided to buy a SUV a couple of months ago because I do not think sleeping in my old car would have worked. Honestly sleeping in my truck was still extremely uncomfortable and my back is killing me but, it was better than not having anywhere to sleep at all. Once I manage to wake M*** up, we head in the house and get the dogs ready to be walked. After we walk the dogs my grandma calls me in her room and tells me that my biological mom wants me and M*** to stay at her house because of the whole Corona virus stuff and she doesn’t think its safe for us to be around my grandmother because of her age and asthma problems. Of course, I do not want to go, I know the reason that she is trying to get us to come over there is so she can use my car or make me take her all over the world. My grandma said if I go, she will send me $150 so I said fine and we packed up and moved our stuff over there. Once we got there, I was so mad because the house was a mess, so I made my siblings come in the house and clean up everything. When my mom got home, she was so happy because the kids apparently have not been doing what they were supposed to do around the house and its just been looking a mess. While they were cleaning, I started braiding my hair because I knew that once we got back to Tallahassee, I was not going to feel like doing it. Then I decided to do my little sisters’ hair also. After the house was clean the kids wanted M*** and I to play the game with them, so we did that. Eventually my mom came out of her room and told me to give her my keys so she can go to Walmart. I tell her that we me, Kj, and M*** were going to go to Walmart anyway so we can all just go together. She gets mad and says she does not want to go with us so just give her the keys. I say no because her license is bad. So, she snatches my keys out of my hands and just walks straight out the door. By then I am beyond upset and I am just ready to go back home. I literally have no words. She is gone for three hours and does not even have any bags from Walmart. Soon as she walks in the door, I grab my keys and leave to get something to eat and take a breather. While I am out, I decide that we are just going back to Tallahassee tomorrow.

March 21st, 2020

            Its been about a day since we have been back in Tallahassee and I still have not figured out what happened in Tampa. I have been trying to reach T*** (second mom) but she has not been responding. I decided to call one last time, but she sent me voicemail and sent me a text message saying that she does not want to be in my life anymore and she does not know who I am anymore. Then she blocked me on everything. I was not sure how we went from being ok to her completely leaving my life. On top of that my boss just sent out a text saying that all servers will be laid off until further notice because of the corona virus. I also have not talked to any of my friends up here either. So, I decide to text them, and I find out that my friend Cam has been in a car accident, she totaled her car and lost her baby. This made me extremely upset because I know she was super excited to be pregnant.

March 22nd, 2020

            Today is one of those days were I really just have not been feeling up to it. My mood has been up and down all day. Barely talking or wanting to get out if the bed. So, I decided to stay home and just breathe. All day I pretty much did nothing but watched tv and took care of my dogs. Did not want anyone calling my phone so I decided to turn it off.

March 25th, 2020

            I can honestly say that since I started working at W****, I have been having a bad feeling about it. Maybe it is because I have not worked in fast food since I was 16 or something but so far working here has been aggravating. Everyone here is minors or incredibly old and rude. It is like they do not know the right way to talk to people. I have been trying to keep my cool and not snap on them but there is only so much I can take. This one manager named Ayanna who is the worse of them all because she likes to curse and stuff and call people out, they name. So, I ended up snapping on her. Because everyone deserves respect regardless. Of course, now she does not like me, but I could honestly care less lol. I mean besides working there with rude people the pay is good and I am making enough hours to pay some of the bills. I even got my boyfriend a job there also. 

April 29th, 2020

            So today will be my last journal entry but it is a happy one this time. This morning when I woke up, I found out that I was approved for my dream apartment. Of course, the second I read the email I screamed and called my mom. I know some people might not be crazy excited about that but I am because I have been living in a house with four absolutely annoying roommates that do not like me along with three dogs, a cat , and my boyfriend. For the longest I have been trying to find a different apartment so that I do not end up hurting someone in this house because they like to touch other people stuff and complain about everything. They also have this awfully bad habit of calling people out they name and treating others as if they are beneath them. But anyway, I am extremely happy and ready to move in July. My boyfriend and I are going to go shopping for more furniture now. Later.