Tuesday, February 25, 2020

Nothing Matters. Let it Go.



For weeks – months, actually – the first thought that crosses my mind as soon as I wake up is “nothing matters.”

I say hello to the familiar thought, and  get out of bed.

The phrase “nothing matters”  used to give me comfort when I felt overwhelmed with anxiety. I was thinking a whole series of What if… What if…. questions and then a tranquil velvety part of my brain said don’t waste time on this.  Nothing matters. Let it go. 

  I liked it. I invited it to take front and center in my thoughts.

 Every time anxiety, doubt, fear rolled up in my brain I quelled it with those magic spell words.
 Nothing matters. Let it go.

 It’s my voice saying the words, it’s my thought in my head.
It’s just a thought and I’m not scared of it.

 I’m tired of it. 

Maybe ignoring it will make it finally go away.

In the shower, thinking about this and that and things I need to do, I hear it again. 
Nothing matters. 

While I’m driving to work on a rainy dark morning and let someone merge ahead of me the phrase pops back up.
Nothing matters. 

I head to Publix before school to buy bananas and Little Debbie’s for my students because I’ve decided to become someone who does that kind of thing.  
The voice comes with me, as present as an achy knee or a persistent cough. 
Nothing matters.

The more ignore it, the louder it gets. 
Insistent, actually.
This is a waste of time, a waste of energy.  No one can end poverty, hunger, homelessness or hate.  There’s no point. And you look stupid even trying.  Nothing you do matters.

I ignore the silly thoughts and choose to do what I can to be helpful and kind, whether it matters or not.