Monday, June 25, 2012

The Staircase Part 2: The Angry Jumper

I have gone over this story so many times in my mind, I know it so well, that if there were a straighter line to connect the story I've been weaving from Cuba to Santo Domingo and now The Captain's House, I promise you I would have found it by now.

This is the straight line. Bear with me, it's a quick road. Let's go back to the rest of that day in the big recliner.

In the silence my mind moved me towards what came next, what ended the Perfect Time.

There I was, under our perfect tree, sitting at the edge of our perfect lake,  by myself.  I can see our house at the top of the hill.

I'm wearing an impossibly heavy dress that seems to be already wet by the muddy water edge.

Now feet are in the water, which is lukewarm in places, cold in pockets.

My dress is dirty, for sure, and I wonder if I can just get a little water on it and get the mud off before I get home.

I stand up and take a step forward and there is nothing to stand on; I sink right down, heavy dress and all.

I laugh and you would have too. Now I'm really dirty and he's going to laugh at me. I turn myself square towards where I had been standing.

I  kick and kick for something to stand on, something to grab on and get twisted in these long hard arms that had to be the tree roots.

 I think to pull the dress up over me and only get twisted more. I can't get up higher. I can't get anywhere. Who will find me under here? I don't want to go now, not yet, I don't want to leave.

 All of this for nothing?....What about him? Will he think I left him? I can't say anything?

Now I try to scream and get a mouth full of choking water.

My therapist reminds me I can breath.

I take a deep breath and remember the bolt of anger from losing everything that tattooed my soul.

One of last things I thought as the spinning started, was that I never, ever wanted everything again.

I felt myself spin and spin, not like bed-spins when you're massively drunk, more like an unwinding rubber band push of energy plus a ]roller coaster.

Nothing bad at all. Much less scary than the 10m diving board.

I went back to the peace, to where all the answers live.  I wanted to stay there but our time that day was up.

When I opened my eyes I realized my shirt was soaked with tears I hadn't felt until then.