Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Be Late, Text Often, and Be Proud: Avoiding the Ugly A (by Austin)

Be Late, Text Often, and Be Proud

This is an insider’s guide to Dr. Soldani’s class. I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, as I may end up getting an A, or even worse, extra credit.

If you follow my tips, I promise, no, guarantee that you will not have to explain to your parents why there is an ugly A on your transcript. Now I must warn you, once you commence with my trusted ways, people will start staring and whispering, but this is just the ugly face of jealousy.

 Trust me, I have been disgraced by good grades and hard work in the past, and I have finally perfected my fail-sure method.

My primary weapon employed in the fight against an education, and a possible passing grade was to be late. This is by far the simplest and most effective way to fail. Now, showing up even just one minute late will do, as you will be indebted to Dr. Soldani, but we will get to that part later.

The true art of being late is to time it so it disrupts her silly speeches, or “lectures” as most would refer to them as. I typically show up about twenty minutes late, as this is just when her rhythm gets going and the class is totally believing what she is saying is important.

She achieves this hypnotic state through a constant barrage of trivial bits of information you will need if you plan to pass. Your mission is to enter the room and immediately draw the attention to yourself, and be creative, just walking in is for amateurs.

A second, but potent tool in your arsenal is your ever present cell phone. You may believe your device is just for games and communication, but I will tell you how to make it an ally in the war against those who would choose to learn.

Most obviously, leave the ringer on, and have it on your desk and vibrating for good measure. Dr. Soldani will be so thankful she will stop the entire class to look at you, expecting something, just sit there puzzled; she loves that response. In addition to just having your cell phone ring, I recommend texting all of your buddies in the class just in case they have their ringers on full volume as well; this will be most impressive to all in witness.

The last method of indulgence is to use the phone to record the audio in class, Dr. Soldani likes to hear herself later, and you can email her copies of her classes.

Now to explain what I mean by being indebted to Dr. Soldani. She has devised a way to get people to do work outside of the classroom. I know it sounds ridiculous, but she uses fake money, called “class cash” to make her con more effective, I promise you it’s a sham

. She will also give you opportunities to help others and earn “class cash” through community projects, but we all know helping others for fake money is quite silly. Now the purpose of this money is to “buy” extra credit points for each test. This again is a waste of time as you will not want to bother with the tests. This money is also used to buy your forgiveness for being late as I described earlier, and why standing there with a puzzled look will be most entertaining to all.

After you have shown up late, and taken your time to find a seat, you may notice the rest of the class writing. They are taking notes, actual notes on what Dr. Soldani is saying. Now you may be enticed to take notes because you want to be like everyone else, but I swear that these “notes” are a complete waste of time, as they are just what you need to know to pass the test. Besides, you can just look at the slides she posts on blackboard later. In addition to passing the test, you will undoubtedly learn many new facts about the world around you and how it came to be. Besides, you should be too busy texting to take notes.

Lastly, if you really want to make this easy on yourself, just don’t show up. I know it sounds silly, as you have just paid for the class, but it would be a waste of gas money, and precious party time, to go all the way to class.

Now, if your going to be absent, at least show up from time to time, so that is obvious that you are absent. As a wonderful side effect, you will have no idea when tests are, and will not be bothered with having to study for these tests. Since your goal is to fail, you most definitely won’t want to bother yourself with the final, leave that to the poor saps that are trying to pass the course, and further their understanding of the world they live in.

In summation, I pray that all those that read this will take head and avoid this “education” that will infect your very soul.

Take my word, if you do take notes, show up, help others, and study, YOU WILL PASS. This would not only take up time and validate the money spent on the course, but your brain will be engorged with a vast amount of information that you otherwise would never have bothered with.

I tried to resist myself, but have found that I have a better understanding of what is expected of me as a student, and an adult in an educational institute.

Please, learn from my mistake, and spread the word, Dr. Soldani’s course is a mental trap for those dedicated to higher learning.

(By A*J)