This is what she read (not out loud!)
In the twenty one years they had been together, John and Marilu had never gone more than two days without sex.
Babymaking sex, relaxing sex, shut-up-about-the-bills sex, whatever.
Not that she wanted it that much, not that she really ever felt like she needed it, but it was part of their routine. Most of the time it was OK.
John’s cussing, pouting, clumsiness and general slovenliness didn’t do a single thing to make him more attractive to her.
Every now and then she came, but the rest of the time she didn’t come anywhere near the top of the mountain.
On those occasions, Marilu had the good sense to clamp down her kegel muscles and pretend to come.
JOHN! Oh! Feel that?
Oh! I’m coming !
Oh JOHN! Oh!
Then, convinced of his prowess, skill and desirability, he would leave her alone.
OK. So the my dear mother slammed the book shut and said "I hope you're going to publish this as Melissa Lemon. Don't use Soldani."
Don't use SOLDANI?
That's my name! Isn't it?
I mean, it is, right?
So here we go again. The whole "what's my last name? who am I?" thing.
When I married Chuck 11 years and 11 months ago, we didn't discuss a lot of things.
I could list them all for you, but I have papers to grade, OK? A
nyway, on that loooong list of things we didn't discuss was last names. He assumed I would change my name, and I kinda-sorta-didn't want to, so I hyphenated.
That didn't make him happy back then, and it's been the cause of countless sharp words and dirty glances since then.
I am not Melissa Lemon.
I don't call myself Melissa Lemon
That name is too damn happy for me.
It sounds cheerful, sweet.
Too easy to pronounce.
It sounds very American. Blonde. Friendly. Enthusiastic.
Melissa Lemon would join the PTA and help decorate bulletin boards at her daughter's school while wearing a long jeans skirt, espadrilles and a headband.
She wouldn't wear an iPod while doing it.
And I bet the woman doesn't curse like a sailor, either. Bitch.
I want to know this Melissa Lemon a bit better....
So I googled her (me?) --- guess what????
This Site says Melissa Lemon is a sedative, especially good for eczema, bacterial and fungal infections
This one says Melissa Lemon cures herpes (and WHY am I not rich??)
This site pretty much says Melissa Lemon cures everything except tensions in the Middle East.
So the decision is made.
Melissa Soldani is a college professor, a columnist, a sharp-tongued devils advocate.
Melissa Lemon, my alter-ego, publishes books.
Ones that have fake orgasms, money laundering, more drugs than you can imagine, a porn shop that sells Russian brides, a crazy anorexic who thinks all mirrors are 2-way and the CIA is watching her.... and more good stuff like that.
I'd better get back to writing that book, huh?